S/he will not return to me

Over that past few years, I have walked the journey of watching a friendship that had lasted nearly three decades fall to pieces. It has been a difficult journey, bringing a great deal of grief and pain. 

Recently, I was reminded of the story of King David and the death of his first-born son with Bathsheba. The son was conceived in the midst of David's sin when he took Bathsheba away from Uriah and had Uriah killed. Nathan, the prophet, let David know that the consequence of his sin would be the death of the child. When the child became ill David lamented for many days fasting and neglecting all personal care as he focused on the healing of his son. The child still died and when David heard that his son was dead, he ceased fasting, picked himself up from his bed of sorrows, cleaned up and carried on as leader of his people. When challenged as to his seemingly strange behavior, David said this: “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” (See 2 Samuel 12 for the whole story.) 

Hearing this story of David anew, I see my own situation more clearly. I spent many months praying and lamenting the loss of this friendship. A friendship that was broken, in part, by my own sins. I pleaded for reconciliation; yet, I only met with silence. I begged God for an answer.  The turmoil of an unresolved situation was bringing sorrow upon sorrow and I didn't know which way to turn. 

At last, I received a letter from my friend.  The letter was in many ways painful as it pointed out half-truths that caused our relationship to break beyond repair. I finally had my answer. There was to be no reconciliation this side of heaven. I have mourned this loss for many months. 

Recent conversation with a pastor and God speaking to me through this story of David have helped me to be ready to move forward. Now that I know this relationship is dead, why should I go on grieving the loss? I have been tempted in the last few months to continue fighting for the relationship, yet I have my friend's answer that tells me it is not possible. 

Like David, who was given another son after the first died, I must look towards the future instead of mourning the past. The lost relationship is out of my hands, dead, and it is time to move on and nurture the relationships that God is now giving me. 
 

In the Potter's hands

 

 "Remember," the Potter cautioned his students, "you must bring the clay up before you move it out. Otherwise, it will collapse." 

These words, shared with me by a friend taking a pottery class, intrigued me. I had to find out more. I asked my friend, Rudy, if he could expand upon the idea for me. Rudy, considered by many to be a master potter, shared some stimulating information.

"The first and most important thing, when working with clay, is to be sure it is centered. Then you want to bring it up before you start stretching it to make it into a vessel."

I smiled as I marveled at the newest details acquired in my quest towards understanding what it means when the scriptures refer to God as the Potter (e.g. Isaiah 64:8). I've been working to put together the pieces of this puzzle; here is what I know so far:         

The clay must be centered. If we remember that we are the clay, then we understand that we must be centered. The place we begin mandates where we will go and how our lives are shaped. God, our potter, molds us starting with a center that focuses on Him. If we move off center, we are going to affect the way we develop.

Once centered and focused on God, it is time to move upward with Him. We allow God to shape us by raising us up towards Himself. As we remain in His hands, we grow in faith and understanding. Rising up towards Him strengthens us and prepares us for the next step.

As we move upward with God, He will begin to stretch us. He molds us and moves us to begin to take shape in the ways He chooses. Like the clay pot, we can collapse if we begin to stretch out before we have moved up. We may be excited to become what God has planned for us to be. Yet if we move too quickly out without taking the time to center and move upward with God, then we are susceptible to collapsing. Our ministries overwhelm and become too much for us. We burn out. We become frustrated. We collapse.

Another element taken into consideration as the potter crafts his piece is the clay itself. The wise potter knows that the clay has a mind of its own. The clay will sometimes push back as the potter molds and shapes it. What the potter intends to be a pitcher may end up a bowl if the clay is uncooperative.  Yet, when the clay remains in the potter's hands, it still becomes something beautiful. 

So it is with us. We too have minds of our own. God has a plan for us. He starts out molding us with a specific shape in mind. Still we have our own ideas and make our own decisions. This means that our lives may take a different shape than what God first planned for us. The good news is that, as long as we remain in the Potter's hands, we may not become what He originally intended, but we will become something beautiful.

Cracked pots and wilted flowers

I walked into the flower shop carrying the pottery vase with its large cracks on either side. Placing the vase on the counter, I waited patiently for Rosie to finish her phone conversation.

"Rosie, I want you to use this vase and make a beautiful arrangement for me. My only request is that you select flowers that you would not normally use." I smiled at her confusion.

"What do you mean?" she inquired.

"I want you to choose flowers that are flawed, ones that you would normally throw away... Oh, and I do plan to pay for them, I'm not looking for something free." Her puzzled look told me that further explanation was necessary.

"The flower arrangement is to be a visual representation of the God who loves us."

"You see this vase? It is evident, looking at the pot, that it certainly collapsed sometime during the curing process, resulting in the two large tears on either side.  Most of us would have been inclined to toss the pot aside and start over. However, the potter did not. He chose to take the flaws and work them into his creation."

"I want you to do the same with your creation. Take that which would normally be discarded and make it beautiful... imperfect, but beautiful."

Rosie, an artist who is determined to give only her very best, reluctantly agreed to my request. I left her to ponder the challenge, anxious to see what she might create for me. 

When I returned several hours later, Rosie presented me with her offering. Many would notice where she had trimmed away dead leaves and petals from some flowers and had sculpted others with just a small trim around the edges.  Some would find the wire and glue where she had mended some of the stems and petals. All would see the beauty.

Looking at the arrangement, which is sitting on my table, I reflect upon the God who inspired me to request such a creation. He is a God who will take me just as I am, flaws and all. In His gentle hands, He takes me and molds me. He shapes me into something beautiful. He uses my flaws and weaknesses and melds them, with His strength, into something beautiful.

Lent - Fashion statement or undergarment?

I am currently participating in a Bible Study on Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. Today's lesson covered fasting and, given that we are currently in the season of Lent, my mind quickly went to recent conversations about fasting during the Lenten Season.

“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you" (Matthew 6:16-18).

Jesus gives emphasis to making fasting a private matter. One's decision to fast is something that is between the individual and God. When we make our "sacrifice" a public matter, we are told that we receive our reward from others, rather than the reward that God gives.  I wonder what heavenly reward we sacrifice for the sake of sympathy or praise from man?

The question is: what is the purpose for fasting? This time of year, I think it is tempting to fast because "everybody is doing it." You might say it's fashionable.

Angela Thomas (Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering) discussed four purposes for fasting. Having looked over her thoughts, I made up this acronym using the word FAST:  
Focus - I spend more time focusing on God, learning to hear His voice.
Awareness - I recognize things that control me or consume time better dedicated to Him.
Sustenance - I remember that God supplies all my needs.
Tranquility - I find a healthy spiritual balance as I maintain discipline in my life.

This lesson has been helpful to me as I consider fasting for Lent and beyond. It has moved me to reconsider the why and when. Fasting is more than a fashion style that I wear for a season. It is my own private discipline -- undergarments, if you will. The thing about undergarments is that they aren't for the public to see; however, choosing the right undergarments can certainly make any outfit look and fit better!

Will you be my Valentine?

They laughed when you said you wanted me for a valentine and now they are amazed to see how much more beautiful I am since I said "yes". 

You see, I've always been a plain Jane. Happy to fade into the background, I never really wanted anyone to notice me. I stayed back, hidden in the shadows. I was a woman of sorrows and ordinary in every way. I wanted to be invisible. Then, I said "yes". 

You asked me to dance, and escorted me to the dance floor. We twirled around the floor and you wove your light into my hair. We drew close and you let your radiance flood over me. I began to shine like never before. 

In the days that followed, I walked taller, smiled brighter, and laughed more joyfully than ever before. I knew that for the first time in my life, I was loved. And everyone else knew it, too. It was obvious. I couldn't have hidden it if I tried... and why would I?

Now, when others ask about the light inside me, I just smile and say, "I'm glad you like it. It's a gift from my Valentine. "

Reflections on a Letter from a friend Pt 2

Part of my quiet time with the Lord is through a Bible study I am doing alongside some women at church. The study is written by Angela Thomas and is titled: Living your life as a Beautiful Offering. One of her points of teaching this week has been related to knowing "who is on standby in your circle of friendship to help you carry your burden." She shared an email that she had sent to the circle of friends who pray with her regularly. As I read her email, I was amazed; she had articulated so well a deep feeling of my own heart that I often experience:

"I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. I am tired of being "a really strong woman who can get it all done." I am tired of feeling like I have to live like I don't need anybody but Jesus. Can you pray into the loneliness that comes from so many blessings and no one to share both the responsibilities and the joy?"

I read this and I think about who I have in my circle. It's harder to fill than one might imagine. Again, I reflect on your letter and what God may have me to take from it. 

Here's the hard lesson I learn... perhaps related to my "love language" (ala Gary Chapman).  I have a deep longing for quality time, as a way of feeling loved. When I sense that I am being deprived of such time, I feel abandoned, alone. In an effort to overcome that feeling of abandonment, I forget those healthy boundaries that God has designed for protection. I reach out in inappropriate ways desperately seeking  fulfillment of my deep desire for love. As my relationship with Christ has matured, I've cast aside many of the "socially inappropriate" means of seeking such fulfillment; however, I still have many habits that I cling to in my despair.  I admit that when I feel someone is "supposed to be there" for me and that person is unavailable for any reason, I become distressed and confused and manipulative. I begin to speak and act in ways that I think will compel the person to meet my great need. 

"Be still and know that I am God." How thankful I am that my Ever Faithful Father reminds me gently that HE is the one that is always here for me. What great error is made when any of us attempt to force someone to take on a role that God Himself is waiting patiently to fill. Over and over we are promised that God hears us when we call. He is ready to listen, to love and to lead in ways that no one else can. He wants me to celebrate my joys and sorrows with Him... and if I will let Him, He even provides His hands and feet and voice and ears through the Body of Believers.... maybe not in the way that I would have chosen, but He does provide because He is always faithful and has promised He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deut 31:6). 

None of this is to say that we cannot or should not look to individuals to come along side us on this journey of life. That is not my point. The lessons I learn are these: 1)Stop expecting humans to fulfill a need that only God can fill. 2) Recognize that God desires to be more in your life because of His great love for you 3) Allow God to fill the spaces that He alone can fill. 

"May the God of all hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13