Living Single in the Married Church

I just read this article: http://www.christenacleveland.com/2013/12/singled-out/
Hope you will take the time to read it (don't forget the comment section) 

Here are my reflections on the subject of being a single woman in a married church:

Being single isn't what I would have preferred to have happen in my life, but it is where I am today. Most days I'm OK with that, but sometimes I'm not. Most often, the times I find myself feeling down about my status as a single woman are when my good intentioned Christian brothers and sisters make comments that indicate that my life will somehow be better when I finally get married and have children. I walk away feeling lesser than my married friends. [Honestly, I had a woman say "you're going to make a wonderful mother someday." Hello? At the time I was a 49-year old woman with no possible chance of giving birth barring a miracle. and, before you say it, yes, I know I could always adopt, but really?] And how many times I have a heard a variation on the theme: "There's someone out there for you. There is someone for everyone." 

I was a Singles Ministry Team Leader for a very short time. This is mainly because I don't believe in Singles Ministry. It is a ministry that was created by the married church because they don't know what to do with us. Singles are lumped into one massive group regardless of age (18-108), regardless of reason for singleness (never-married, widowed, divorced), regardless of whether one has children or would like to eventually get married (first time or again). How can one ministry serve so many people from so many different life experiences? Excuse me for saying so but the Singles Ministry is like the Leper Colony in many churches. I've attended a church with 25% of it's sermons based on marriage, family and parenting issues. OK, so that's only 1 in 4, but typically these sermons take place in 5 week blocks, so... Yeah. Got anything for me in your bag of sermons?

The Church needs to learn how to be inclusive, rather than exclusive. Sometimes this is as simple as considering the language we use. Many programs offered by a church are not (or at least shouldn't be) specific to marital status; however, the way these programs are presented often implies that they are. For example, a Ladies Retreat is offered to all Ladies in the church, but when the announcement of the event is a skit with husbands discussing why they should step up to the plate so their wives can get away, then the implication is that this event is for married women. When events for moms encourage dads to step up and watch the children, what happens to single moms? What about sermons that should be non-specific to marital status but contain statements such as "in particular if you are married you should...." The experience of Christena (author of the article I mentioned above) where the pastor makes an [inappropriate] side remark about singles at the end of his sermon on marriage is not unique to her experience. It happens in less blatant ways quite often. 

Forty-four percent of US citizens over the age of 18 are single. In theory, this means that forty-four percent of the people filling our church pews should also be single. I dare say that this population is the least represented number in churches today. Where are our single people? The community I live in has both a seminary and a university. You would expect a large percentage of students to attend local churches and I look around myself and ask "where are they?" Where are the single pastors training? (Ah, an answer to this might be find in the attached article... who are the churches hiring?) And, let's just be honest, if all us single ladies are supposed to be married, where does the church recommend that we find those husbands? It seems (to this single lady) that single adult males are the least represented population in churches today. What do we offer them? I mean, at least the ladies can help with Children's Sunday School and the Nursery. Right?

I am sure that for many I'm coming across as being over sensitive. I'm not trying to be a complainer against the Church. I believe it is important that healthy marriage and family life be modeled and taught. As an older single person, I even see the value for myself in having a healthy understanding of marriage and family. There are certainly opportunities for me to minister to people in both these areas. At the same time, it would be wonderful if married men and women would invest time in understanding the challenges of being single in a community that is thoroughly married. I want to feel like I'm a part of something, not an after thought or a last minute addition. Loneliness is a big part of what it comes down to for me. Yes, it really is possible to be in a congregation and feel all alone. 

So, I am rambling here and will stop with my thoughts. Eventually I may get around to putting them in better order, but that will have to wait for another day. I've gone on for too long already. Thanks for reading. I welcome your thoughts. 
AND PLEASE TAKE TIME TO READ THE ARTICLE I MENTIONED.
THANKS!