S/he will not return to me

Over that past few years, I have walked the journey of watching a friendship that had lasted nearly three decades fall to pieces. It has been a difficult journey, bringing a great deal of grief and pain. 

Recently, I was reminded of the story of King David and the death of his first-born son with Bathsheba. The son was conceived in the midst of David's sin when he took Bathsheba away from Uriah and had Uriah killed. Nathan, the prophet, let David know that the consequence of his sin would be the death of the child. When the child became ill David lamented for many days fasting and neglecting all personal care as he focused on the healing of his son. The child still died and when David heard that his son was dead, he ceased fasting, picked himself up from his bed of sorrows, cleaned up and carried on as leader of his people. When challenged as to his seemingly strange behavior, David said this: “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” (See 2 Samuel 12 for the whole story.) 

Hearing this story of David anew, I see my own situation more clearly. I spent many months praying and lamenting the loss of this friendship. A friendship that was broken, in part, by my own sins. I pleaded for reconciliation; yet, I only met with silence. I begged God for an answer.  The turmoil of an unresolved situation was bringing sorrow upon sorrow and I didn't know which way to turn. 

At last, I received a letter from my friend.  The letter was in many ways painful as it pointed out half-truths that caused our relationship to break beyond repair. I finally had my answer. There was to be no reconciliation this side of heaven. I have mourned this loss for many months. 

Recent conversation with a pastor and God speaking to me through this story of David have helped me to be ready to move forward. Now that I know this relationship is dead, why should I go on grieving the loss? I have been tempted in the last few months to continue fighting for the relationship, yet I have my friend's answer that tells me it is not possible. 

Like David, who was given another son after the first died, I must look towards the future instead of mourning the past. The lost relationship is out of my hands, dead, and it is time to move on and nurture the relationships that God is now giving me. 
 

Brokenness, Joy & Sorrow

You have walked this journey with me for many years.
You have given me a place to call home when I was homeless.
You have encouraged me when I've faced disappointment.
You have cried with me when I will filled with sorrow.
You have applied a healing balm to my many hurts.
You have accepted me for who I am, even when I am "ugly".
You have been Jesus with skin on so many times....
You were my first real glimpse of Who He Is.

I have finally found a joyful place in my journey.
I have found a place to call home while in this world.
I have overcome disappointments and fulfilled dreams.
I have found the joy that overcomes my sorrows.
I have experienced healing in many broken places.
I have learned to be less "ugly" and be more kind.
I have come to know Jesus dwelling in me in new and powerful ways.
I have done all these things because you have been my advocate.

And, in the midst of all this joy I have found there is sorrow.
Sorrow that you are a prisoner in your own home.
Sorrow over your disappointments and shattered dreams.
Sorrow that it is beyond my ability to help you find joy.
Sorrow over the brokenness of your life that I cannot heal.
Sorrow that only the "ugliness" of this world is real to you.
Sorrow that when I want to be Jesus with skin on for you,
I cannot. A door that only He can open is in the way.

So I pray for a miracle. Wait for a sign.
And I promise God that I would give up
everything that I have gained
Just to know that you've found His Joy.

Mourning

Is it wrong that I cannot (will not)
mourn the death of my friend
who has entered into God's Holy rest?
Much more so, I mourn for those who
are still breathing earth's oxygen
yet they have no will to live.
I mourn those who are held
captive to their sorrows and
pains of their past.
How difficult it must be
to live days without hope or joy,
to trudge through life
feeling unlovely and unloved.
Yes, I will grieve, but not for
those alive in Christ.
I will grieve for those who are
yet alive and don't know it.

Do not let your hearts be troubled...

So many things have been on my heart and mind that I thought I'd spill them out here so I can clear room for other things... so here's what I'm thinking about today:

Many of you know that my friend, Virginia, is in her final days on this earth. I consider Virginia to be a dear friend. God has taught me so much about Himself through my friendship with Virginia. At the same time, I also know that Virginia is ready to meet her Savior. She has lived a great life and had an amazing ministry. I am ready for her to hear Jesus say "well done, faithful servant, enter into my rest." When I visit her, I imagine that her mind and heart are with Jesus, but her body still lingers. I pray often for her to be set free from a broken body that holds her captive... freedom that will allow her to once again play the piano for God's glory and honor.

Just this morning, I was reflecting on my relationship with Virginia and asking myself why I continue to visit her daily, even though I am convinced that she doesn't really know that I'm there. I came up with these reasons:
1) I want Carol, who is Virginia's best friend, to know that she is not alone in her love and care for this precious woman. I want to speak words of encouragement and compassion to Carol and others who come to visit.... Caring for the caregiver, I guess.
2) God keeps teaching me something new about Him when I visit Virginia. I sit and read scripture and it's amazing how differently I see it when I consider His Word in the presence of one who is about to leave this world and enter His presence! It was encouraging this past week when I read a devotional on John 14:1-3 - "“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God^, believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." --- It was noted that JESUS HIMSELF will come to take us to where He is..... He's not sending an angel to do it. He's making the trip to get each of us Himself. I love that... I imagine Jesus coming to get Virginia and take her home to the place He has prepared especially for her.. no doubt, it has the grandest of grand pianos. :)
3) Virginia's ministry still continues and I love to hear the stories. CNA's who cared for her at Wesley Village are coming to visit because she has made a difference in their lives. A CNA from the floor where she spent her first 5 days at St. Joe's after her stroke has come to the hospice floor to visit. In those 5 short days, Virginia developed a relationship with that young lady. She came to tell Miss Virginia that she and her husband had started going to church together again..... God is allowing me the privilege of seeing just a few bites of the fruit of Virginia's labors for Him.

Certainly, my heart has been heavy in recent days, but Virginia's pending home-going in not a source of sorrow, but of joy. My greater sorrows are for my young friends who may be in grave danger... and for my best friend, who has isolated herself from those who love her most... and I fear may have a clouded view of who she is in God's eyes.

Sorrow struck me yesterday when I saw a video that ridiculed "stupid criminals" who were the butt of a media joke because they got stuck in the mud making their getaway. One of the two young men wept openly at his situation as he realized that this newest strike on his record was sending him down a path he didn't want to travel... and I wept too because I wanted to know where the people were who should have been helping him to know that there were better choices available for him... that he, too, has a Savior who has redeemed his life, but  is anyone telling this young man that truth? Sorrow struck me as I watch a few moments (that's all I could take) of a show on TV that featured homes that were outrageously extravagant.... a bathroom where just the tiles cost over $100,000 dollars... I had to walk away and weep because I couldn't imagine how God must feel when His children are homeless, helpless and hungry in the midst of all this.

If I were a superhero, my super human strength this week would be "hyper sensitivity" ... I read news stories and witness things myself that are devastating. And all I know how to do is cry and pray. And I want to do more than that... I want to be an answer to the prayers I lift. I want to do a better job of being sensitive to God's voice when He invites me into the things He's doing. I want to stop and share words of comfort with the man in the hallway at the hospital who is clearly distraught over the condition of his loved one... instead of looking away so as not to embarrass him in the midst of his own sorrows. I want to do more, not because it earns me a merit badge, but because it's what will bring honor to my Father in Heaven.

So that, in a rather large nutshell, is what is on my heart today. How about you? Can I help to carry your burden to the throne of Jesus?